Work on yourself.
If you were asked “what’s the most important part of being a parent?” What’s the first thoughts that come to mind? Food, shelter, providing safety? Sure, these are the basic needs that everyone deserves.
But what is different about parenting as opposed to just providing?
Working on yourself is the foundation of being a good parent. It helps us to parent CONSCIOUSLY. Work on your trauma and work on your ego. Become aware of yourself and how you relate to your child, how you react and how you respond. Look at the things that trigger you and the things that are behind it.
Look at the things that your child does that make you angry. What is behind that anger? I mean…what is REALLY behind it. Be honest with yourself.
In a moment of unconsciousness, a parent can become angry at their child because they are embarrassed or fearful of how others perceive them, even complete strangers. The parent can also be projecting their own guilt and shame from their childhood.
Anyone becoming a parent or currently parenting could benefit from seeking guidance from a counselor or therapist. A non-biased third-party can be a powerful way to explore yourself. If you feel that therapy is just for people in serious crisis or crazy people, then I would encourage you to look at where that stigma is really coming from. Is it cultural? Is it because of a silly movie you watched that depicting a therapist with poor boundaries and a peculiar client?
Our own mental wellness is an integral part of being a good parent. It helps us to see what is underlying our thoughts, values and opinions. It can help one to see their toxic traits and avoid passing them on to their kids.
Anyone can benefit from working on themselves, going inward and having someone help guide them along the way. We don’t need to wait until there is a crisis to seek guidance. This is exactly the type of stigma that is preventing us from evolving. We all have stuff. And we project that stuff energetically to our families.
Let me ask you this: Do you want to indoctrinate your kids into seeing the world exactly as you do? Or do you want to provide them with a energetically safe and nourishing place to grow and develop as their own human. One that has self-worth, self-esteem, self-love and the ability to think for themselves?
Our kids don’t need us to show them how to behave as much as they need us to be present with them. I mean really present. Consciously present. If you don’t know what I mean, I would encourage you to look up the work of Eckart Tolle.
Too many parents (my younger self included) are raising their children to fit into a very small box that society has designed for them. For the starseeds entering the world right now, this is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. And no matter how hard the parent tries to make them fit, they never will.
That’s because the souls coming to earth now are not made to fit into this box. No child ever was, for that matter.
How to I parent consciously?
Learn how to respond and not react.
If you find this difficult to do, maybe it’s time for some inner work.
Meditate
A powerful adjunct to healing is meditation. No matter how stressed, how busy, or how hard up you are, you can find time to meditate. Meditation changes the chemistry in your brain and body. No matter what you are going through, daily meditation will make it easier to handle. This is coming from someone who lived in a homeless shelter with her son for a month and a half to leave a narcissistic relationship.
I don’t want sympathy for this, I just want you to know that no matter how hard life is, there are things you can do to heal yourself which will in turn, make you a better parent.
Heal your own stuff
Hurt people hurt people. This is true. Even if completely unintentional. Even if it’s the people closest to us. Even if it is our children. We might not even realize we are doing it. Simply not being present with them hurts them. We can physically be with our children and not be present.
My story
When my son was a toddler and a small child, I was working full-time and going to college. College was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I had it in my mind that if I just put in enough hours and worked on that degree that this would somehow magically fix all of our problems. Nothing could’ve been further from the truth. I was so exhausted and so busy I wasn’t being present with my son.
I had heard inspiring stories of single moms that worked full time while finishing degrees, thus being able to provide a better life for her kids (or at least that’s what I believed). I looked up to these “super moms.” If I could go back, I would quit college. Actually, I never would’ve started in the first place. Not at that time. My son needed me to be present with him so much more than he needed me to have a degree.
Fortunately, I did wake up. I’ve been on a healing journey for a long time and it has helped me to continuously become a better parent. Healing myself has helped me to learn how to be present with my son. To really try to listen and when he isn’t acting the way I want him to act. Instead of reacting, I respond. I think about what might be underlying his behaviors.
Often when kids are “acting out” they are expressing an emotion that they don’t know how to put words to. Or maybe they don’t feel like they will be heard.
I did want to teach my son to be polite, but I learned that instead of forcing him to act the way I wanted, it was much more effective to explain why I felt it was important. And to help him to explore why he might feel the same way. (I also had to learn not to get too explainy. Try to keep it simple and at their level or you will just lose them). In time, my son has grown to see the value in being polite, helpful, courteous and kind. We can have discussions about our thoughts and feelings around how we relate to our world instead of me authoritatively forcing him to do what I say to do “because I said so.” (God, I heard this a lot when I was growing up!)
How unconscious parenting hurts children
Unconscious parents can make their kids responsible for their own trauma. Children shouldn’t feel as if they are responsible for their parents’ negative emotions. Parents need to take responsibility for their own negative emotions, no matter how challenging the circumstances. This helps to model to the children that they too are responsible for themselves. It teaches children that they can have boundaries and they aren’t responsible for making everyone around happy. Conversely, children who are made to feel guilty or worse yet, shameful because of their parent’s emotions, can grow up to have poor boundaries and to be people pleasers. This can also lead to subconscious guilt and shame that will permeate their friendships, romantic relationships and career relationships. It effects all areas of our lives negatively when we are carrying the trauma of our parents.
My journey for my son
I will always be on my healing journey. I don’t see it as a destination to get to. I will always be seeking to become more conscious, more present and more of the parent that my son needs. I am not perfect. And I don’t expect my son to be.
I am here to help guide him along his journey of becoming a man. But not to tell him who that man is. I’m here to create a safe space for him to figure that out on his own. And in order for me to do that, I need to be consciously working on healing my own stuff. That way he doesn’t become responsible for my unhealed trauma which is all to often the case for many children.
Disclaimer:
Does this mean I should quit college if I’m a single parent?
This is absolutely not what I’m saying. I’m only giving an example from my life. College wasn’t the right path for me and it didn’t help improve my son’s life at all. I went to college because I wanted my son to have a mom that was worthy. My motives were unconscious. I felt like I wasn’t good enough and I wanted him to have a mom that he would be proud of. But that’s not what he needed. He just needed a mom. And still does. I’m grateful to have had this realization.
What if my children are adults? Is it too late?
It’s never too late to become a conscious parent, even if your children are adults. Relationships can be healed. And if you feel that you were an unconscious parent, then it is likely that waking up now will give you an opportunity to improve your relationship with your kids and their kids, should they have them.
Remember: forgiving yourself is an important part of being a better parent, friend, partner and even employee. It helps us in all aspects of our lives. So don’t leave this out!